05.26.06
You Just Don’t Understand: Fifth Post (Folk Tale)
Tannen spends a great deal of time in this study talking about listening. It kept reminding me of a folk tale that I know about a boy who climbs a hill to discover how the wise man who lives there got to be so wise. The man declines to explain, but invites the boy to live with him for a while and watch him. The boy agrees, assuming that he will learn how to be wise from the man. Many people come to the old man for advice. The man feeds each person homemade bread, shares tea with them, and listens to their problems. He says almost nothing, but each person leaves praising his wisdom and thanking him for helping them. The boy is baffled by the whole thing and becomes convinced that he is missing some magic that the old man performs for his visitors. One day the old man is too ill to leave his bed when a woman comes to call. He encourages the boy to serve the woman bread and tea and listen to her. The boy does so and finds himself saying little as the woman discusses her problems. The woman talks her way to her own solution and thanks him, praising his wisdom. The boy finally realizes that the old man is not praised for his wisdom because he says wise things or because he solves people’s problems, but because he makes them comfortable and listens as they work out their own problems. In this story the position of listener is far from subordinate. In fact, the man is so greatly respected because he is such a good listener. So how is it that listening can be seen in such radically different ways? The act itself is the same, so why is the perception so different? Maybe we should learn as a community to see listening more the way the story does and less as a bad thing. I wonder what Dr. Tannen would think of this story?